Covent Garden Magician – 11 June 2017

I hope you’re not scared, what is your name? Hello? What is your name? Where are you from? [Speaks pretend Japanese, adding in the words
Mitsubishi, Asda and Tesco to audience laughter] Right, this is international show, don’t worry.
Everything is gonna be alright, ok? Smile, don’t be upset. Everything is gonna be ok.
I’m your real father! [Laughter] It’s ok, he didn’t get it. It’s a joke, I’ve never
met your… Elizabeth! [Laughter] There’s no Elizabeth
in Japan. Alright, here we go, watch this. I’m gonna
try and show… Before… let me just explain guys, this is
gonna be amazing. I’m gonna make the paper vanish with this kid. Trust me, he is gonna
be gonna be impressed. And I give you the oldest trick in the world. But first, I will show you something dangerous.
[Crowd: “Woo!”] Very dangerous! [Crowd woos louder] I might die. [Crowd woos again and laughs] Thank you sir. Are these all your kids? Wow.
You should get a hobby, you know. [Laughter] That’s my hobby, uh… alright, here we go,
I’m going to attempt to swallow a balloon. This is crazy – kids, do not try this… until
you get home. Here we go. Swallowing a balloon. Now, just before I do this. Oh, Justin Bieber!
[Laughter] No, I meant him, yes. Mother, I told you to stay in the car. [Laughter] Alright, just before I do this, let me just
do something very important. [High pitched sound from speaker] I’ll put this
down a bit, too much feedback. Watch this. I’m gonna make the paper vanish.
Come and sit here for a second. Don’t worry about the dirt,
it won’t be there when you stand up. Yes, sit – how do you say sit in Japanese? [Speaks forcefully in pretend Japanese] It works! [Laughter] Could you come up to this line here everybody
together? Thank you. Over here, if you come up to this line so this guy is not in front
of you. Over here as well. It’s ok guys, I’m vegetarian. I don’t
need any volunteers as well. Thank you so much. If you just move your feet,
your body will follow. Thank you madam. Don’t be embarrassed about your dress. I actually
love what you’ve done with the curtains. [Laughter] Is it too much? Alright, come on. Shut up,
this guy’s massive. How are you doing sir? Here we go. Swallowing a balloon. Love, you can take your parachute off, you’ve
landed. [Laughter] Tell you what, I had a technical problem,
can you hold this for a second? Never mind. It’s ok, I’ll keep doing this
guys. Watch this. Swallowing a balloon. If you make any videos, don’t put it on Youtube,
because my father thinks I’m a doctor. [Laughter] Here we go. So all the intelligent people,
stop! [High pitched feedback from speaker] Madam, I’m going to swallow a balloon. What
can he do? [Laughter] Here we go. Swallowing a balloon. This is
crazy, check this out.. This is my ex-fiance. I don’t know
who the girl is, but hi James. [Laughter] Nice to see those legs again out of prison.
Now watch this… [Laughter] Don’t worry, the kids don’t get it. You can
put your arm down, thank you. Beautiful kid. Here we go. Swallowing a balloon, with some
dangerous music, that ladies and gentlemen trust me, we’re gonna have fun, here we go. [Dramatic music – Super Stager texture from iMovie –
replaces the original copyrighted track.] [Music changes to a more upbeat, jolly track:
Gelato from iMovie jingles.] [Music ends, crowd cheers and applauds] Wait a minute, stop, stop. 3 people clapping.
The rest of you going like this… But now, I give you the show. London, if you’re
ready for this say yeah. [Crowd: “Yeah!”] No, guys, guys, I can make more noise in a
toilet. Everybody, if you wanna see this say yeah! [Crowd, louder: “Yeah!”]
If you’re happy, say yeah. [Crowd: “Yeah!”] If you love me, say yeah. [One person says:
“Yeah!”, then laughter] Alright, I’ll get on with the show.
Watch this guys. First I’ll demonstrate how magicians count the same effect around
the world, then I’ll show you how it’s done. English – 1, 2, 3. Spanish – Uno, dos , tres.
In France – Un, deux, trois. In Germany [With a stern voice]
Eins, zwei, drei! [Laughter] In Scotland – 1, 2, Freedom. [Laughter] Welsh – Baaaaaaa! [Laughter] Italy – Uno, due, tre.
Greek – Ena, dio, tria China…. Jackie Chan [He and crowd both laugh] Where are you from? Not from China. You can tell me where you’re
from, I’m not from Immigration, relax. [Laughter] I look like a kebab shop owner. Americans – 1 [Pauses in thought, crowd laughs]
Another one………. Just kidding. Any Americans here today? Woo! Hi, hello. Where are you from? Sorry? I heard you, I said sorry. [Laughter] Come on, we’re having fun. Are you here on
a holiday, or just learning the language? [Laughter] Both, ok, never mind. Now, are you guys married,
or happy? [Laughter] Because you’re standing a mile apart, you look a bit miserable.
You are together, you’re together, right? Oh my god. If you kiss,
everybody will go “Aaaahhhh!”. [Cheers and applause] That’s not a good kiss, I’ll show you how
it’s done. [Laughter] I was gonna kiss him. I love you man, and I like
what you’ve done with the tablecloth, nice shirt. Now watch this. I give you the… oh, come
on, it’s old jokes… I give you the show. It’s gonna be amazing, clap and cheer. Stand up. And sit again, thank you very much.
[Laughter] He’s getting bored there, you know? This is FBI agents surveying the area. [Laughter] Mike, watch this. Ball number 1, I remove
it. Number 2, I remove it. Number 3 I’ll leave in the centre, ok? Now, be honest, did you
see this one coming back? I’ll show you. I cheat, I pretend that I take the ball. Up! Haha, up! Haha, up! Haha, up!
Look at these kids. They think it’s here, but it’s here. I roll
it under the cup creating the illusion the ball’s under the cup. Mike, if I were to put the
ball in there, how many balls in the middle cup? Are you following this? If he gets it right,
you win £50. £50 from this man here. [Laughter] Where are you from? Here? Nice home, no roof.
[Laughter] Oh look, you’re beautiful! High five!
Oh my god! [Applause and cheers] I absolutely love what mummy
did with the curtains! [Laughter] Come with a stranger, it’s a good idea.
[Laughter] A bit too much sugar in the morning. Sit!
Sit! Sit! Ah, good. Sit properly, otherwise you look like you
having poo poo, yeah? [Laughter] Sit! Good girl. Oh my god. [To her mum] You can go now.
it’s just like a creche here, just go. [Laughter] Watch this. Where was I? Oh yes, this is terrible.
Watch this. Mike, Mike, ball number 1… oh yeah, how
many balls in the middle cup? Yes, that’s where I was, yeah.
How many? No, 2, try again. It’s not a good time, ok? Thank you.
[Crowd laughs and applauds the girl] She’s done nothing! I’ve been killing myself
for half an hour, she goes “Aaahhh!” [Girl mimics the noise, crowd laughs]
Ok, it’s my show. Get mummy to the stage please,
before I sell this kid on eBay. Don’t take photos when I’m in trouble. Sit! Aaah. Thank you. 5 minutes, she’s back.
[Laughter] That was quick. It’s ok, It’s a live show guys. What
do you expect? What are you doing? Here. [Laughter] My god, this is… can you help me for a second?
Yeah, come on. Mummy, look, that’s his family now in London.
Take a picture. [Crowd laughs as he tries to
put the kids in a pose together] This is the wife. [Laughter continues] Right, I give you… ok… Eject her from the venue. [He laughs] Thank
you, I need food, you can get it for free. [Crowd applauds the girl] Thank you. Oh, there you go, replacement,
good boy. Now, where was I? Yes, Mike, how many balls
on the table? Quick! Two. Would you bet money? Come on, unlucky. Look, I did that bit I know. Look, I take one away, put it in my bag, how
many now? Quick! Look, it’s always 2, just say 2.
How many? Quick! No, 3. I do it slow motion.
[Very slow] 3 balls in the bag, how many? [Back to normal]
How many? No, orange.
[Gasps and laughter] Usually people clap for this.
[Applause] Tell you what, bring the little girl back,
she was getting better. I give you the finale, watch this guys. 3
balls now will disappear from under the hat, then I’ll let you go. 3 balls will vanish! There’s a strange man following you madam,
be careful. [Laughter] Alright, never mind, Uncle Fester. Now watch this.
3 balls will vanish from under… [He laughs] Yeah, I know, it’s a stupid joke. I tap, they vanish.
[Crowd: “Wooo!”] Put your hand up if you believe. Two kids and a drunk.
[Laughter] Put your hand up if you don’t believe. Put your hand
up if you don’t like to put your hand up. [Laughter] Put your hand up if you speak English.
It’s the same people. [Laughter] Put your hand up if you don’t speak English. How did
you understand the question? Look at this. [Laughter] If I can make the balls disappear kids, how
can I do this? Bring it back. Explain. No, we don’t have time. I give you the finale
guys. Are you having fun? [Crowd: “Yeah!”] No, no, no, watch, we’re gonna have fun.
Watch this, everybody together. [Loud]
“AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!” [The girls scream in surprise,
the crowd laughs and claps] I just want to introduce myself, because your
camouflage is not working, I can see you. Thank you girls! Bye! Working early today.
Now, ladies and gentlemen… [Laughter] Ssshhh…. there’s only one couple getting
the jokes here. Watch this. Everybody together please clap, clap, clap.
[Applause] Faster, faster, stop. [Applause stops] I love you. Everybody cheer, yeah! [Crowd: “Yeah!”]
Clap and cheer, yeah! [Cheers and applause] Stop. I knew, this side is the best, good
here, not too bad here, tragedy over here. I know you’re in the cheap seats guys,
but please, try to have fun. Not you, not you. Actually, just the front section
clap and cheer now. [Front section cheer and clap] Here! [Cheering and applause from left] Here! [Cheering and applause from right] Here! [No response from behind him,
crowd laughs] Everybody together!
[All cheer and applaud} Just you! [Laughter] Wait, we’ve gotta do this guys, look, look.
There’s a lot of people coming from there, look, from there. They don’t know what’s going
on here. We’re all gonna clap and cheer, make lots of noise. When they come to see why we’re
clapping, when they arrive, I’m not gonna be here, I’m gonna hide in the crowd with you. This is really funny. Look at their faces when they
come here. Everyone’s going… [Mimes cheering] Lady… [Crowd laughs at his actions] You… [Crowd laughs again as he mimes] Don’t do it, it’s a family show. Don’t look at me.
Everybody look up there. Look at their faces when they come here.
Everyone is going crazy, there’s nobody here, they
come like this. The Italians are just going… [Makes noise of
frustration]. The French go “Ah, c’est la vie.” The Nigerians go “Ah, what is this,
my brother?” [Laughter] Can you guys come up to this line here. It looks
like somebody’s farting and nobody’s standing. Thank you. And, oh my god, a man
with two heads! Oh no! Thank you. Hello, Charlie’s Angels? Stop chasing the
Pokemon and move forward a little bit. Thank you. Where are you from? It’s ok, here, it’s ok. I’m not crazy.
[Shouts] HURRY UP! Here we go, taking the microphone off,
hiding in the crowd. Uh oh, stay away from the Addams Family.
Here we go. Can you guys come a little bit forward.
I had a bath. Everybody, if you move all together, nobody looks stupid. Thank you. [Everyone starts cheering and applauding loudly] [Crowd members shout “More!” and “Yes!” as
the cheering and clapping continues] [Applause subsides] What are these stupid people…?
look, there’s a drug deal happening in an alley. Everybody now go “Jump! Jump!” [Crowd joins in, clapping in time:
“Jump! Jump! Jump! …” Stop, stop, stop. Ok, go, go. Stop! Look at these guys, he’s the Pokemon. [Laughter] They went back to see.
Did you see that lady go “What is this?” Are you having fun now?
[Crowd: “Yes!”] Are you happy?
[Crowd: “Yes!”] Will you give me lots of money?
[Laughter, while a few kids shout “Yes!”] I need a volunteer. No, a cute one. Come with me, I need to keep
someone as a guarantee. The banks do that, so can I. Look, get in
the bag, nobody’s looking. Go inside the bag. Oh my god… [Crowd laughs] This never happened before. [He laughs] I don’t know what to do. Usually mum and daddy
come and save the kid. [Laughter] See that there, kids,
I make another one, look. Oh my god, you’re most adorable! No, you
should never go into a magician’s bag! Look what happened to the girl last week.
[Crowd laughs] Oh wait, I’m gonna give you a prize, you’re a
beautiful girl. Do you like balloon animals? Yes? There you go, make it yourself. [Laughter] [Crowd: “Aaaaahhh”]
What is your favourite colour? Pink? What is your second
favourite colour? [He laughs] Yellow, good girl! What is your favourite animal?
You name it, I’ll do it. Which animal you like? A giraffe?! [Laughter] [To crowd] Yeah, you can’t do a giraffe.
[To girl] Most kids like snakes. [Laughter] Alright, I do a giraffe. You know in London,
giraffes they look like dogs. You know, there’s a new breed,
they have long necks. Me before I was born! Hahaha!
[Crowd laughs] Don’t worry, the kids don’t get it.
If they do, it’s your fault. [Laughter] Here it is, a beautiful, beautiful giraffe,
for a beautiful girl. What is your name? Charlotte! That was my name
when I was a little girl! [Laughter] Thank you for helping. Which one is mummy
and daddy? Mummy? And daddy? Hi dad! That’s your father? Ah, now I know where you
get your good looks from. [He chuckles] Your mother. Now watch this. [Laughter] Look at him. Alright, here it is, a beautiful,
beautiful giraffe, for a beautiful girl. When you go home, put the giraffe under your bed,
ok? Because in the morning, when you wake up, it will turn into £20 for you. [Laughter] Look! Wow, it’s a giraffe, going to a fancy dress
party looking like a dog. [He and crowd laugh] Should I give it to her? [Crowd: “Yes!”]
Cause she deserves it? [Crowd: “Yes!”] Do you think if somebody comes here and
entertains you they should be paid? [Laughter] This guy’s just laughing. You take this. Please
clap for this beautiful girl, oh my god. [Applause] Go and sit here. Oh my god. You’re so nice. Watch this, I give you the finale. No, no, no,
London, I told you I was gonna give you something amazing. I won’t do the paper, because
I’ve run out… oh, there goes my finale. I’ve run out of time. Look at this, watch. At the end of the show, I’ll leave my hat here.
Please be kind, come forward, help the performer. I love what I do. I have a wife,
and 37 children. If you’re a tourist, 20. Americans, 50.
If you’re from Greece, I understand. [Laughter] Come on, everybody, give me 2 or 3 pounds.
I hope you understand the value of live entertainment, in a day and age with so much technology around.
Whether it’s in the streets or the Opera House, please support it. Let’s hope these kids will come
here many years from now with their own families. There will be a man here,
a performer, not a robot. If you don’t have any money, don’t worry.
There’s a bank over there. But don’t give me 1 or 2p, I’m not a beggar.
I’m a professional street… beggar. [Laughter] Yeah, yeah. Here we go. One here, two here.
Mike, how many balls under the hat? Quick! How many now? What? No, it was actually 3,
but I don’t blame you. You shouldn’t be looking
here anyway, but there. Why? Watch this guys. Look, look, look. There’s
another orange here, I told you I was good. Look, look, look,
there’s another one here. And for those of you not clapping… [Crowd woos and applauds] Oh come on London, make some noise!
[Cheers and applause get louder] Come on! Come on everybody, make some noise!
Come on! [Cheering and applause continues] Come on, I’ll get some music for you.
And this is the killer… [Music starts. Crowd gasps,
cheers and applauds] Come on! Look, it’s real!
[Applause continues] Wait, wait, wait. [Music stops] Nobody move.
I can hit you with the melon. Can I just say it was my pleasure to entertain
you. If I’ve offended anyone, I apologise. Have a nice time in London, I’ll see you soon.
Thank you very much. Thank you.

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