Magic is DUMB and STUPID and MAKES NO SENSE and my brain hurts the more I try to figure out how it works. Except when Bards use it, because Bards are cool and Mages are lame! With their colorful, flow-y robes and giant, obnoxiously fashionable hats… No, I’m not jealous, Shut up! At the very least though, most of them work hard for their magical abilities. Some of them cultivating it through skill and experience… Others answering to a higher power… Some having a codependent relationship with the arcane… And some lucky enough to have their parents bang a mystical creature and receive a small genetic loan of a million mana. Welcome to “A Crap Guide to D&D.” [jaunty theme music] Get your stupid hats ready, it’s time for the casters! Where your weapons suck, your armors suck, and your martial skills are closer to that of the average D&D player. Instead, you’ll be relying on the mystical, magnificent mass of magics. Except in this case, not really relying on it and more like bullying it into doing what you want. Sorcerers are those who disrespect the rules of magic and can easily manipulate it… Like it’s some young adult who’s desperate for food that isn’t microwaved or take-out. Maybe that’s why your hit die is the one used for Monopoly games. That’s right, a pathetic D6, which likely means the DM won’t have to do much to make you piss your pants in fear. The Cirque du Soleil’s Meta Magic feature means you can enhance the spells you cast… by paying off the essence of arcane with the inheritance money you got from your magical parents… and allows you to influence your spells to take on a variety of effects to your liking. Its effects include, but are not limited to: Biased AoEs, Biased AoEs, angry AoEs, Biased AoEs, angry AoEs, spells that gotta go fast, Biased AoEs, angry AoEs, spells that gotta go fast, say “Nuh-uh! I totally got you, I hit your shirt, clothing counts!”… …get an extended spell warranty, …get an extended spell warranty, double penetration… …or even cast with the sound of your armpit farts if you don’t feel like talking that day. [arcane armpit explosion] And you can do all that and more by using your Sorcery Points… Which has got to be the two most absolutely nerdiest words you could ever put together in a single phrase. It’s also a weirdly effective safe-word, because it allows your magical BDSM to stop so your Spell Slots can catch their breath and recover. With archetypes, you have squishy Clerics, zippy-zappy-casty-blasty-watch-for-the-lightning-it-gets-nasty, DARKNESS DARKNESS DARKNESS, scaly in denial, And the only one that really matters… THE WHEEL OF WILD MAGIIIIIIC!! Where YOU and whatever other lucky souls nearby get to experience the high-octane thrills of RANDOMNESS! Think your pathetic Magic Missile just won’t cut it? Don’t worry! With the right kind of luck, it could suddenly open up a one-way portal to the FIRE PLANES! Who knows what crazy helpful and/or harmful effects could happen due to your gambling addiction?! Let’s spin that wheel and see how WIIIILD we can get! [rapid wheel ticking] I may have spun it a little bit too hard because of my stonkingly huge muscles, so we’ll just let that go for a while. Now, the main difference between the three arcane casters is how they get their magic. While Wizards take years studying for the ACT and Warlocks keep having to pay interest to their demon lord shareholders… Sorcerer’s magic comes from the fact that they were born inherently talented instead of needing to do any actual work. That’s why your Casting Ability is Charisma, because we totally need more of those and just because you can cast spells doesn’t necessarily mean you’re smart. But who cares what’s smart when you can cast BIG spells with BIG effects so your BIG numbers can turn the BIG baddies into BIG piles of gibblet-y experience points! [Insert fireball joke] And now you know how to play Sorcerer! You’re welcome– [wheezing poof] Well, shit. [jaunty theme music]




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